Chuck Klosterman

Chuck Klosterman IV Questions 1-5

6. You have been wrongly accused of a horrific crime: Due to a bizarre collision of unfortunate circumstances and insane coincidences, it appears that you have murdered a prominent U.S. senator, his beautiful young wife, and both of their infant children. Now, you did not do this, but you are indicted and brought to trial.
Predictably, the criminal proceedings are a national sensation (on par with the 1994 O.J. Simpson trial). It’s on television constantly, and it’s the lead story in most newspapers for almost a year. The prosecuting attorney is a charming genius; sadly, your defense team lacks creativity and panache. To make matters worse, the jury is a collection of easily confused sheep. You are found guilty and sentenced to four consecutive life terms with virtually no hope for parole (and – since there were no procedural mistakes during the proceedings – an appeal is hopeless).
This being the case, you are (obviously) disappointed.
However, as you leave the courtroom (and in the days immediately following the verdict), something becomes clear; the “court of public opinion” has overwhelmingly found you innocent. Over 95 percent of the country believes you are not guilty. Noted media personalities have declared this scenario “the ultimate legal tragedy.” So you are going to spend the rest of your life amidst the general population of a maximum-security prison…but you are innocent, and everyone seems to know this.
Does this knowledge make you feel (a) better, (b) no different, or (c) worse?
7. You are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10 percent more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet), you will seem 20 percent less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is now way you can ever alter the universality of this perception).
Do you take this pill?

8. You begin watching a new television series, and you immediately find yourself strongly relating to one of the supporting characters. You’ve never before experienced a TV character that seems so similar to yourself; this fictional person dresses, behaves and talks exactly like you. And – slowly, over the course of several episodes – the similarity grows spooky; on two separate occasions, the character recounts personal anecdotes that happened in your real life. The actor portraying this character begins mimicking your mannerisms. In at least three different episodes, the character’s dialog quotes things that you have said (verbatim) during casual conversation.
You become convinced that this is neither coincidence nor mental illness: somehow, this character is being actively based on your life. The show’s writers generally depict the “you” character in a positive manner, but – as far as you can tell – you don’t know anyone involved in the show’s production or creation. It’s totally inexplicable.
You have two friends who also watch this show. One of them is certain that your theory is correct and that (somehow) the character is, in fact, based on your life. She tells you to get a lawyer. The second friend concedes that many of the similarities are amazing, but that the whole notion is ridiculous, impossible, and egocentric. He tells you to see a therapist.
How do you respond to this situation? Do you do anything?

9. If given the choice, would you rather (a) only abide by the rules and moral of society that you personally agree with, or (b) have the power to slightly adjust the rules and morals that currently exist (but these adjustment would then apply to you and everyone else, all the time)?

10. You are placed in the unenviable position of having to compete for the right to stay alive.
You will be matched against a person of your own gender in a series of five events- an 800-meter run, a game of Scrabble, a three-round boxing match, a debate over the legalization of late-term abortion ( scored and officiated by reputable collegiate judges) and the math portion of the SAT.
In order to survive, you must win at least three of these events (your opponent will be playing for his or her life as well). However, you (kind of) get to pick your opponent: you can either (a) compete against a person selected at random, or (b) you can compete against someone who is exactly like you. If selected at random, the individual could be of any age or skill level-he/she might be an infant with Down syndrome, but she might also be an Academic All-American linebacker from Notre Dame. If you pick “the average human,” he/she will be precisely your age and will have an identical level of education, and the person will be a perfect cross-section of your particular demographic-he/she will be of average height and of average weight, with a standard IQ and the most normative life experience imaginable.
So whom do you select? Or-perhaps more accurately-do you feel that you are better than an average version of yourself?

Chuck Klosterman IV Questions 11-19

{ 2 comments }

I like Chuck Klosterman, a lot…. But what I like is not his terribly insidious rants on dead people, or his drolling on about tribute bands and wannabe pop stars. I do not appreciate him for his long winded pop culture mantras, or personal interview stories where he cares more about what is happening psychologically… So, when I picked up IV I was unpleasently surprised. It is filled with that which I do not like so much about his writing… and the good stuff, the gold, my favorite parts were hidden among the gunk and goop partitioned into Things that are true, Things that might be true, and Something that isn’t true at all. What is it I like about his writing you may be asking yourself at this junction… well as you maybe able to tell from my extrapolation for Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs it is his wondrous imagination finding recluse in his hypothetical questions… So for my devoted readers I post them here, so as to help you, so you do not have to wade through the slug that is the rest of this book….Please answer these if you see fit, they may or may not provide some insight into your character:

1. Think about your life. Think about the greatest thing you have ever done, and think about the worst thing you have ever done. Try to remember what motivated you to do the former, and try to remember what motivated you to do the latter… How similar are these two motives?

2. Think of someone who is your friend (do not select your best friend, but make sure the person is someone you would classify as “considerably more then an acquaintance”). This friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear. Now this person will survive the attack; that is guaranteed. There is a 100 percent chance that your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries is unknown; he might receive nothing but a few superficial scratches, but he also might lose a limb (or multiple limbs). He might recover completely in twenty-four hours with nothing but a great story, or he might spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Somehow you have the ability to stop this attack from happening. You can magically save your friend from the bear. But his (or her) salvation will come at a peculiar price: if you choose to stop the bear, it will always rain. For the rest of your life, wherever you go, it will be raining. Sometimes it will pour and sometimes it will drizzle-but it will never not be raining. But it won’t rain over the totality of the earth, nor will the hydrological cycle de disrupted; these storm clouds will be isolated, and they will focus entirely on your specific where-abouts. You will also never see the sun again. Do you stop the bear, accepting the lifetime of rain?

3. Assume everything about your musical tastes was reversed overnight. Everything you loved, you now hate; everything you once hated, you now love. If your favorite band has always been REM, they will suddenly sound awful to you, they will become the band you dislike the most. Everything will become it’s opposite, but everything will remain in balance (and the rest of your personality will remain unchanged). So-in all likelihood-you won’t love music any less (or any more) then you do right now. There will still be artists you love and who make you happy; they will merely be the artists you currently find unlistenable. Now, I concede that this transformation would make you unhappy. But explain why.

4. At the age of thirty, you suffer a blow to the skull. The head trauma leave you with a rare form of partial amnesia-though otherwise fine, you’re completely missing five years from your life. You have no memory of anything that happened between the ages of twenty-three and twenty-eight. That period of your life is completely gone; you have no recollection of anything that occurred during that five year gap.
You are told by friends and family that-when you were 25-you (supposedly) became close friends with someone you met on the street. You possess numerous photos of you and this person, and everyone in your life insists that you and this individual were best friends for over two years. You were (allegedly) inseparable. In face, you find several old letters and e-mails from this person that vaguely indicate you may have even shared a brief romantic relationship. But something happened between you and this individual when you were 27, and the friendship abruptly ended (and apparently-you never told anyone what caused this schism, so it remains a mystery to all). The friend moved away soon after the incident, wholly disappearing from your day-to-day life. But you have no memory of any of this. Within the context of your own mind, this person never existed. There is tangible proof that you deeply loved this friend, but-whenever you look at their photograph-all you see is a stranger.
Six weeks after your accident, you are informed this person suddenly died.
How sad do you feel?

5. You work in an office performing a job that you find satisfying (and which compensates you adequately). The company that employs you is suddenly purchased by an eccentric millionaire who plans to immediately raise each person’s salary by 5% and extend an extra week of vacation to all full-time employees.
However, this new owner intends to enforce a somehwat radical dress code: every day men will have to wear tuxedos, tails and top hats (during the summer months, men wil be allowed to wear three piece grey suits on “casual Fridays”). Women must exclusively work in formal wear, preferably ball gowns or prom dresses. Each employee will be given an annual $500 stipend to purchase necessary garments, but that money can only be spent on work related clothing.
The new regime starts in 3 months.
Do you seek employment elsewhere?

Chuck Klosterman IV Questions 6-10
Chuck Klosterman IV Questions 11-19

{ 5 comments }

Feeling lucky check out: Chuck Klosterman’s New Questions

I am not one for chain letters; they are stupidsuck and would fall off the earth if gravity stopped for even a mere second. But in my readings of “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs graciously lent to me by a friend Josh Schayer, I came across a set of questions. Unlike any other set of questions, this set enticed me to not only answer them immediately, but to desire other perspectives, and what better place then the public forum we so aptly call “the internet”. Thus I pose these questions to you good reader, in hopes that you will answer them unconditionally, post your answers, and read other posts which arrive. Sound to chain mail-ish? If so, find the gravity switch and hit off… If not, then if you please:

1. You meet a magician. He can do 5 simple tricks–pull a rabbit out of a hat, make a coin disappear, turn an ace to a joker, and two similar others. These are his only tricks, and he cannot learn any more. HOWEVER he is doing these tricks with REAL MAGIC. No illusions, he can actually conjure a bunny, and move a coin through space. He is legitimately magical, but limited in scope. Is this person more impressive then Albert Einstein?

2. Assume a fully grown horse is shackled to the ground with head held in place; conscious and upright, but immobile. Every political prisoner on earth will be released if you can kick this horse to death in twenty minutes. Steel-toed boots are allowed. Would you attempt this?

3. There are two open boxes on a table. In one lays a turtle, in the other Adolf Hitler’s skull. If you select the turtle you must keep it and ensure it is alive for two years, else you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select the skull you must apolitically display it in your living room for two years, but you will be paid $120/month. Which option do you select?

4. Genetic Engineers have developed a super gorilla. It cannot speak but has a vocabulary of over 12 000 words in sign language, an IQ of ~85, and a sense of self awareness. The 700lb creature becomes infatuated with football. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates it would be borderline unblockable and would likely average 6 sacks a game, but may be susceptible to misdirection plays. The gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure an opponent. You are the commissioner of the NFL: Do you allow the gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

5. You meet your soul mate. The catch: every three years someone will break both of the love of your life’s collarbones with a crescent wrench. Unless: you swallow a pill the will make all the music you hear for three years sound as it was being covered by Alice in Chains. Do you swallow the pill?

6. The Dream VCR is invented. A machine that can record your dreams for an entire evening. However, when you watch the recording you must be in the same room as your family and your closest friends. Would you still do this?

7. A Scottish marine biologist capture a live Loch Ness Monster. The same day a hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch on the thigh and takes it into captivity. That evening the president announces he has thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy next week. You are the front-page editor of the New York Times: What do you play as your big story?

8. You meet the perfect person; romantically ideal. But they are obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. They watch it once a month and pepper conversation with references, occasionally talking about a deeper philosophy. Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

9. A novel “Interior Mirror” is released to mammoth commercial success. Though no one can prove a direct scientific link a trend emerges: almost 30 percent of the people that read this novel become immediately homosexual. Many thank the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their sexuality. Interior Mirror is a crime novel with no homoerotic content and was written by a straight man. Would this phenomenon increase the likelihood of you reading this book?

10. Consider the opening riff to the Barracuda on Heart’s Little Queen album, as well as the quote “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning….” Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

11. You are watching a dazzling movie in a crowded theatre. With 20 minutes left in the film you are struck with an undeniable feeling that your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this, but you are certain. There is no evidence of this, and your mother has not been ill. Would you finish watching the movie, or immediately exit the crowded theatre?

12. You meet a wizard downtown. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive. When you question the process, the wizard points to a random person on the street and says “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves a magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all – but somehow this person is slightly more appealing. There is no tangible change to reflect his but they are undeniably sexier. The wizard has one rule: you can only pay him once, one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

13. Every person you have ever slept with is at a banquet and you are the guest of honour. No one is in attendance except you, your former lovers and the catering service. After the meal you are asked to make a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly. What do you talk about?

14. Cats suddenly read at a 12th grade level. They can not talk or write but can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill as it gives them something to do all day, others wallow in their own self pity unable to express themselves and depressed. Do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield or would cats find this to be an insulting caricature?

15. You have a brain tumor. No discomfort but this tumor will unquestionably kill you in 6 months. Your life can be saved by an operation. The operation will require an incision to your frontal lobe. Thus after the surgery you will be significantly less intelligent, less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and difficulty understanding. The surgery is in two weeks. How you spend the next 14 days?

16. Someone builds an optical portal which allows you to see your own life in the future. You can only look into it for 30 seconds. When you finally peer into the ball you see yourself sitting alone on the sofa decades older then you are today. You are watching Canadian Football, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey, your sofa is surrounded by books and magazines on the CFL, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You have become obsessed with Canadian Football. The future is static and absolute; no matter what you do this will happen, destiny can not be changed. The next day you are flipping through the channels and randomly come across a CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

17. You are sitting in an empty bar, in a lonely town you have never been to before, drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After 30 minutes a man walks in the bar and sits alone, you ask your “friend” about him. He is described to you as “a man with a past.” 5 minutes later another man walks in, sits alone and you ask about him. He is described as “a man with no past.” Of the two men, who do you trust less?

18. You won a prize with two options: 1) A year in Euro
pe with monthly stipend of $2000/month; 2) ten minutes on the moon. Which of the two options do you choose?

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on your living room floor. This friend is going to die unless you kick them as hard as you can in the ribs. If you do not kick them, then they will never wake up. You can not explain this existential dilemma to your friend, if you inform them they will die. So you must kick them in the ribs and can’t tell them why. What excuse do you fabricate to explain this attack?

20. Two movies are made about your life. 1) Indie-documentary comprised of interviews with your friends and family and bootlegs footage from your actual life. Critics are describing it as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair”. 2) Big Budget biopic with stars cast as you and your acquaintances. Critics are split on the artistic merit, but audiences love it. Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

21. You go back to the age of 5 and relive everything retaining all the knowledge you have now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned by living your life previously. Would you lose you virginity earlier or later then the first time around (and by how many years)?

22. You work in an office. There are two rumors about you. The first is that you got drunk at the XMas party and had sex with a married coworker. This rumor is true, but no one believes it. The second is that you have been stealing office supplies and then selling them to cover a gambling debt. This rumor is false, but everyone assumes it is factual. Which of these rumors is most troubling to you?

23. You are living inside a sitcom. Everything about your life is a construction featuring an unfamous (as if he was never affected by the trappings of fame) John Ritter as himself (playing your TV father) this is not a sitcom; it is your real life. How would you feel about this?

I am most interested in some justifications for the moral decisions. But the other questions peak my interest as well….

{ 8 comments }